Picture it, 2:30 am, and I need to pee. I don't want to get out of bed, but it appears my bladder has won the battle. I stumble out of bed, sit in the dark, as one will do in the middle of the night, and begin to urinate. Before I even finish peeing, my husband has flung the door to the bathroom open, and turned on all of the lights. Our conversation went some thing like this...
Me "What the Hell??"
Mike "Dear God, what are you doing in here?"
Me "What do you think I am doing?"
Mike "You must have really needed to pee..."
Me "Ummm, yeah. Hence me sitting in here at 2:30 am. Why? What are you doing in here if you don't mind my asking?"
Mike "I thought we had a leak, and that the water from the storm was coming inside."
Me "Nope, just peeing. Can you shut the door please?" Shaking my head
Sadly, I couldn't get back to sleep before 4 am. For future reference people, if you hear water rushing in your bathroom, it is probably just your spouse peeing. Do Not scare the crap out of them by running into the bathroom to save the day.
The Bryan Kids 2014
Saturday, April 13, 2013
There has been a breach in the integrity of my undergarments...
It has been humbling enough to have to convince myself that I "want" new jeans, that happen to be a size larger than the ones I was wearing earlier this year. I just want a different look, not that I could seriously use the space...I mean, these jeans just run small right?? That is why I had to get a 12 instead of a 10...Amazing the mind games that we women play with our brains. But over the last 2 months, I have lost three bras. Sure, I was aware they were getting a little too small, but the stupid underwire actually snapped under the pressure. One of them broke while I was working. I heard the sound, and suddenly felt much less "secure." I told my coworkers that "there may be a breach in the integrity of my undergarments...I think I need to go home." My manager was not amused. The second and third bra died here at home. Time of death, 10:23 pm, cause, ginormous breasticles. Dear God, I guess it is time for a trip to Victorias's Secret.
Taking two small children with you while running errands is challenging any day, but bra shopping?? You have to be kidding me. We get into the car with promises of the Mickey Mouse Store and Monkey Joes after our mission is complete. I attempt to explain to both children what we need to shop for, and that it may take some time. I beg them to behave, bribe them with promises of treats and Monkey Joes, and start towards the mall.
Molly is the handful in stores. She hides in displays, runs in the opposite direction, and tends to be distracted by bright shiny objects. Colin, however, is the king of very loud, vocal observations. This in itself could be embarrassing in a store full of lingerie. We enter Victoria's Secret, and I couldn't help but think that perhaps her "secret" is that children should not be allowed through her doors. Molly looks up at the never ending wall of bras and says "Oooohhhh...Mommy. Look at all of the boobies." She immediately lights up like a kid in a candy store. Or maybe, a girl in a lingerie store...She runs from display to display picking bras for mommy. She brings me a rainbow of bras. Honestly, the girl has good taste, but has no awareness that they come in a variety of sizes. I put her finds back on the rack, and instruct her yet again, not to touch anything.
I grab several bras in my current size, and a few in a larger cup size. I must say. I am pleasantly surprised that they have begun to carry this cup size. Not every girl can afford specialty shops, and I can't help but think I can't possibly be the only one out there wearing this cup size. My style choices are slightly more limited, but I am able to find a few practical, and one pretty option. Off to the dressing rooms. I stand in the back, waiting on a room. Finally some one comes to unlock the door. Molly immediately finds the button to call for help, and starts to push it. I grab her hand, to try and stop her long enough to talk to the clerk. I explain my current situation, my current size, and how I think I may need to go up a cup size. She seems doubtful. I tell her I have stealth breasts. They are larger than they appear. So I send her on her way, and she informs me that she will come back in a few, but that she knows the kids are pressing the button. I stop worrying about Molly and the button...
Just as I suspected, the larger size fits. Fabulous, at least they will be more comfortable than trying to fit into the too small bras I have at home. The clerk returns, and I open the door for her. She is surprised that the larger cup size fits as well as it does, and then says, "You must have a lot of breast tissue under your arms??" I hesitate after her statement, try not to be offended, ask her opinion about the fit, and watch my daughter bolt to the opposite side of the dressing room. Oh...Dear...God. "Molly!! Come back over here right now..." Molly, turns and giggles, runs again. The clerk has left, I am topless except for their bra. The door to the dressing room has closed. Molly gets ready to run again. I simply don't have time to put on a shirt. I run after her, snatch her up, and whisper threats of spanking into her ear. She starts to cry. Then I want to cry as I realize I am standing in my underwear outside of a locked dressing room door. Luckily, Colin is on the other side. He puts down Angry Birds long enough to let us back in.
I get dressed, and we head out to see if there are any other colors available in the styles that worked for me. I know I am totally pushing my luck, and that I should run with the three bras I have in my hands, but I decide to tempt fate. Molly decides to play hide and seek. I am an unwilling participant. I can't find her anywhere. As the panic in my voice increases, a nice woman points to a table of panties that seems to be giggling. "I think she is under here...I am a teacher, and I have three of my own. I totally understand." I come over, thank her, and snatch my daughter from under the table. I smile, and lean over to threaten my daughter's life. As I cash out, I realize how little dignity I have left. I just want to take my underwear and run. I smile, and explain to the cashier that it is Spring Break, so I had to bring them with me. My trips to Victoria's Secret during Spring Break used to be so different...
Off to the Disney Store as promised. They pick out small toys that I approve, and we wait to cash out. As the cashier asks if she can get me anything else, I say, "Not unless you have some Valium back there."
She responds, "No Ma'am, we don't(while laughing)." Me "But I thought this was the happiest place on earth??" I shrug my shoulders, and head out with both children. At least my breasts will be appropriately lifted while I am working this weekend. I suppose my mission was accomplished.
Taking two small children with you while running errands is challenging any day, but bra shopping?? You have to be kidding me. We get into the car with promises of the Mickey Mouse Store and Monkey Joes after our mission is complete. I attempt to explain to both children what we need to shop for, and that it may take some time. I beg them to behave, bribe them with promises of treats and Monkey Joes, and start towards the mall.
Molly is the handful in stores. She hides in displays, runs in the opposite direction, and tends to be distracted by bright shiny objects. Colin, however, is the king of very loud, vocal observations. This in itself could be embarrassing in a store full of lingerie. We enter Victoria's Secret, and I couldn't help but think that perhaps her "secret" is that children should not be allowed through her doors. Molly looks up at the never ending wall of bras and says "Oooohhhh...Mommy. Look at all of the boobies." She immediately lights up like a kid in a candy store. Or maybe, a girl in a lingerie store...She runs from display to display picking bras for mommy. She brings me a rainbow of bras. Honestly, the girl has good taste, but has no awareness that they come in a variety of sizes. I put her finds back on the rack, and instruct her yet again, not to touch anything.
I grab several bras in my current size, and a few in a larger cup size. I must say. I am pleasantly surprised that they have begun to carry this cup size. Not every girl can afford specialty shops, and I can't help but think I can't possibly be the only one out there wearing this cup size. My style choices are slightly more limited, but I am able to find a few practical, and one pretty option. Off to the dressing rooms. I stand in the back, waiting on a room. Finally some one comes to unlock the door. Molly immediately finds the button to call for help, and starts to push it. I grab her hand, to try and stop her long enough to talk to the clerk. I explain my current situation, my current size, and how I think I may need to go up a cup size. She seems doubtful. I tell her I have stealth breasts. They are larger than they appear. So I send her on her way, and she informs me that she will come back in a few, but that she knows the kids are pressing the button. I stop worrying about Molly and the button...
Just as I suspected, the larger size fits. Fabulous, at least they will be more comfortable than trying to fit into the too small bras I have at home. The clerk returns, and I open the door for her. She is surprised that the larger cup size fits as well as it does, and then says, "You must have a lot of breast tissue under your arms??" I hesitate after her statement, try not to be offended, ask her opinion about the fit, and watch my daughter bolt to the opposite side of the dressing room. Oh...Dear...God. "Molly!! Come back over here right now..." Molly, turns and giggles, runs again. The clerk has left, I am topless except for their bra. The door to the dressing room has closed. Molly gets ready to run again. I simply don't have time to put on a shirt. I run after her, snatch her up, and whisper threats of spanking into her ear. She starts to cry. Then I want to cry as I realize I am standing in my underwear outside of a locked dressing room door. Luckily, Colin is on the other side. He puts down Angry Birds long enough to let us back in.
I get dressed, and we head out to see if there are any other colors available in the styles that worked for me. I know I am totally pushing my luck, and that I should run with the three bras I have in my hands, but I decide to tempt fate. Molly decides to play hide and seek. I am an unwilling participant. I can't find her anywhere. As the panic in my voice increases, a nice woman points to a table of panties that seems to be giggling. "I think she is under here...I am a teacher, and I have three of my own. I totally understand." I come over, thank her, and snatch my daughter from under the table. I smile, and lean over to threaten my daughter's life. As I cash out, I realize how little dignity I have left. I just want to take my underwear and run. I smile, and explain to the cashier that it is Spring Break, so I had to bring them with me. My trips to Victoria's Secret during Spring Break used to be so different...
Off to the Disney Store as promised. They pick out small toys that I approve, and we wait to cash out. As the cashier asks if she can get me anything else, I say, "Not unless you have some Valium back there."
She responds, "No Ma'am, we don't(while laughing)." Me "But I thought this was the happiest place on earth??" I shrug my shoulders, and head out with both children. At least my breasts will be appropriately lifted while I am working this weekend. I suppose my mission was accomplished.
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