Oh...Dear...Lord...

   

     This weekend has been packed with incredible friends and fun.  I have spent the entire week prepping for Molly's birthday bash, including baking and decorating an incredible castle cake for my princess, all the way down to pressure washing our back decks for the occasion as well.  The cake...well it was far from perfect, and it caused a lot of random cursing, but I think it came out pretty cool if I do say so myself.  I have never made my own fondant and decorated my own cake, so the fact that it even resembled a castle at all is pretty impressive.  I have to admit, the pressure washer did give me the distinct "Tim Allen from Home Improvement" kind of feeling.   That thing is awesome.  I totally need one of those to clean everything. Our friend was celebrating her birthday Saturday night, so we took a small break from preparations for our own celebration, to head over to their place and see some of our friends.  The next day was filled with fun and craziness as we prepared for the insanity of having several (I think we had 12 kids at one point) over to our place to celebrate Molly's birthday, and we figured, why not double the fun and make it a Memorial Day cookout as well?  One of my mommy friends asked what the theme of Molly's party was going to be.  My response..."I don't know, Princesses, burgers and dogs, and beer?"  I think she was slightly horrified, but that is how we roll around this place.   All in total, I think we had more than 35 people wandering through our house, participating in a fabulous party for my sweet little Princess of Destruction.  I had a small pool in the front yard, a jumpy house on our front porch, a sprinkler set up in the yard as well, and tons of bubbles and water guns. Finally, all of the adults that wished to hide from the toddler insanity upstairs, hung out in our basement, and from all appearances, seemed to have a nice time as well.  Prepare for a little picture overload...
   As you can imagine, all of my hard work cleaning and prepping for the party seemed senseless once everyone had left for the evening.  The children were tired and slap happy, Mike and I were exhausted, and my house appeared to have had an explosion during the party.  Perhaps we shall simply say "Hurricane Toddler Party" passed through my house, leaving chaos and mayhem in its wake.  I stood there surveying the damage, waded through the sea of toys, and climbed into bed...Like any sane person would have done.  It was all SO worth it though.  Molly loved her cake, and she had a blast.  This girl loves being the center of attention.  My friends said they felt like they were in the presence of a celebrity because of this blog.  They all feel like they know my sweet kids, and that they have experienced my crazy stories with me.  Well...some of them have :) Sandra has seen many of them first hand.  I can't thank all of you guys enough for coming out and celebrating with us.  We know it is a hike all the way out here, but it is awesome to see you guys, and I wish it could happen more often.  And on that note...It isn't a complete blog post without a silly story about my sweet babies.
   This morning, I was getting dressed in my bedroom, surrounded by my Peanut Gallery, as always.  Molly and Colin were fighting over my Kindle Fire, so I took it away and put it out of reach.  Colin left to find something better to do, but Molly quickly realized Mike's phone was plugged in to charge on our bedside table.  I was attempting to find something to wear, but I had only managed to locate a bra so far...I heard Molly giggling behind me as I opened my underwear drawer.  And then I heard it...oh...dear...Lord.  No, she did not just take a picture of me.  I hear it again, the distinct sound of a shutter on a camera, and Molly giggles saying simply..."Say cheese Mommy."  By turning around to grab the phone, I have now exposed even more of myself, the camera goes off again...and then I remember.  Dear Sweet  Baby Jesus!!  Mike has his phone set to upload his pictures directly to Google Plus...My a$# is now on the internet...I let a few expletives of choice fly out of my mouth as I lunge for the phone, while attempting to cover myself, but that little girl is quick with the shutter.  I keep hearing the camera go off as I begin screaming for my husband to come quickly.  Colin enters the room to see what was going on, and I begin to use my son as a human shield.  Of course, in hindsight, this may have appeared even worse on the internet.  Colin is just confused as I pick him up, and use him to cover all of my indecent exposure.  Mike finally comes back to the room to save me, and our family's honor, by taking away his phone from our adorable daughter.  Why me??  Mike immediately went into his Google account, and luckily, our daughter is a horrible photographer.  All of the photos were blurry and out of focus.  I asked him to delete them anyway, on principle, if nothing else.  He of course had to make a joke about hoping for some of them to come out, so that he could keep them for his "personal file."  I may have smacked my husband in the back of the head.  Crisis averted, but I did recommend removing the auto upload feature for future reference.  This girl is going to keep me on my toes. Thank God she is so stinkin cute :)

My Princess of Destruction...wearing an apron, an oven mitt, and carrying her brand new mace :)

Molly and Pooh Bear, We think Pooh may have gotten into the alcohol...

things that make you go, hmmm...?

    As I sit on the couch with my sweet little guy, he is hugging and snuggling all over me.  I am laying on the couch, still in my jammies and glasses, checking my Facebook on my phone.  He snuggles, and asks "are you done yet mommy?"  Me  "No bud, but I will be in just a minute, why?" Colin  "I want to push the house button and play Birds." Me "Ahhh, I see. Well Mommy is using her phone right now, so you have to wait your turn." Colin "OK, Mommy...You have very beautiful glasses...and soft hair."  Is the kid actually trying to butter me up?  Yes, I think he is.  Me "Well thank you Colin, that is very sweet."  Colin "yeah...are you almost done with your game?" Me "Almost buddy, but you need to wait patiently."  Colin "Mommy, (as he pets my breast and stares at them), has the baby come out of your boobies yet?"  Oh dear...I think my discussion of breasts and their purpose has gone terribly wrong.  Me "Ummm...No Colin.  Babies don't come out of boobies.  Mommies just use them like bottles to feed their babies when they are small.  Babies come out of bellies." Colin "Oh,  I have a belly, can I have a baby."  Me "Nope, just girls can make babies in their bellies." Colin "Molly is a girl, can she make a baby in her belly." Me "Well...no, not until she is a grown up, only grown up girls can make babies.  And God knows she better wait until then." Colin "Huh?" Me "Nothing bud.  Mommy needs to start the coffee, desperately, would you like a cup of chocolate milk?" Colin "OK mommy.  You are a grown up girl, right.  Can you have a baby in your belly?"  That coffee may need a shot of something, and it is only 9 am. Me "Hey look, the Backyardigans are on..."
    This is one curious little guy...please tell me I am not the only one fielding these questions with their four year old??

My Mommy has boobies!!!

  I had to take the kiddos in with me to the hospital on Monday.  I was working, and Mike was going to stop by before 3pm, and pick up the kids.  We went down to the locker room together, changed into my scrubs, and headed back upstairs to wait on daddy.  We walked around and visited a few of the nurses stations while we waited.  Colin walked up to a group of my coworkers, and said.
"This is my mommy, her name is Heidi Bryan.  My mommy has boobies."
Luckily, my coworkers have a sense of humor, and they seemed to think it was hilarious.  Actually, it was pretty hilarious.  I explained that we had a recent anatomy discussion, and they all smiled and nodded with complete understanding.  Besides, it was a group of labor and delivery nurses.  We are a pretty difficult crowd to embarrass. Later, I found myself explaining that babies don't come out of boobies, they just use them to eat...this kid is going to keep me on my toes.  He still hasn't asked much about what I do.  He knows that I am a nurse, and that I help mommies get the babies out of their tummies.  Mike pointed out that might even be too much information.  He may have a point.  I am not sure I am ready to explain HOW the babies get out of their mommy's bellies, or even better yet, I know I am not ready to explain how the babies get into their mommy's bellies.  I guess I will just wait and see what he asks next :)

Is it really only 1 PM??

   Today has been a long day already.  It started with the fabulous adventure of taking the kids with me to the doctors office for some blood work.  I made the mistake of letting the doc pick the appointment time, so I was supposed to be there at 8:45 am.  I truly believe that nothing should happen before 10 am that requires me to be out of my pajamas, so this was not the way I wanted to start my day.  Not only did I have to force myself out of bed, I had to make the kids get up and get dressed as well.  So I was running late, of course.  We made it to the office about 15 minutes late, and I was incredibly grateful that no one seemed to mind.  They took me right back, drew the three tubes of blood, and even made conversation with my little guys.  Nothing makes a mommy happier than feeling like your children are welcome, and when people seem to understand that they are here with you because they have to be.  Not because you wanted to ruin everyone else's day, or office visit, or shopping trip.  Trust me, I would love to have a trip to the doctor without my kids in tow, but as it stands, I am the primary caregiver, and they aren't in school full time just yet.  The office staff had a blast with my little guys, and one of the girls even pointed out that Molly had a Pull-Up breech...They pointed me to a very large, roomy bathroom where I was able to change Molly, and get ready for our next adventure.
   Off to the next hospital...Mommy has to get her yearly TB test so that she can continue to work :)  We report to My hospital, and hike all the way over to employee health.  Both kids are starting to get antsy at this point, but this particular mission must be completed.  I am greeted by a man at the desk, and I explain that I just need my TB skin test.  He looks at my children, then back at me, and says "well, you need to come back with out the kids.  They aren't allowed back in our clinic."  Seriously??  I politely explain that I don't have family in town, or a regular sitter, and that I work weekends so that my husband can keep the children.  I also point out that they aren't open on the weekends, or I would have never burdened them with the presence of my children, who, may I point out are sitting quietly in chairs, waiting on mommy to get done.  I offer to go back to L&D and drop them off with some co workers if they thought that was a better option, or perhaps, someone could come out to the waiting room, inject my arm with the tiny injection, and I would be on my merry way.  They take me back quickly, and in less than a minute, I am done.  They instruct me to come back on Friday, without the kids, to have the test read.  No problem...I find it interesting that they would make something so difficult when I am sure that a large chunk of their employees are woman, and work in the hospital on off shifts so that they can take care of their children. Whatever, meanwhile, I realize that it is Wed, and L&D has their staff meetings on this day.  By some crazy happenstance, I am passing right by the meeting.  I rarely get to attend these mandatory meetings for the very same reason that I can't go anywhere without my children.  I stick my head in the door, ask if I can come in with my kids, and hope for the best.  Colin sits down with a juice box and a bag of goldfish, Molly is ready to go.  She starts the meeting by spinning the chair around she is sitting in.  She moves to briefly coloring, a small snack, and then she asks for my phone.  I knew we were in trouble when she hit the Netflix app.  My phone has very little reception in the hospital, and sure enough, it won't let her watch her "penguin movie" that she has chosen.  She starts to cry, I briefly get her calm, and then it starts all over again.  I get glares from the other people at the meeting, accompanied by a few understanding smiles.  One of the managers asks me to leave right as I was already making the decision that this wasn't going to happen.  Oh well, yet another staff meeting missed.  Maybe they should record them, and put them on line.  That way, I could watch them while my children are in the comfort of their own home, and then I could be compliant with my employers wishes without disturbing anyone else.  Wishful thinking.
    The bad news, I still have to hit the grocery store, and the kids are already DONE.  I can't even really remember what I need besides milk, and a UV shirt for my very fair little man.  He has two, but I can't seem to find them anywhere.  I decide to hit Wal-Mart so that I can get both groceries and possibly the shirt as well.  Bad idea...shopping at lunch time, with two toddlers who already wanted to be through about an hour ago.  Shopping trip full of impulse purchases...I think I agreed to everything. And props to the Wal-Mart marketing team.  The shopping trip was a hot bed of fun and exciting things for my little guys.  We left with un-needed snacks, Angry Bird shirts for both kids, UV shirt for Colin, and apparently close to $200 worth of stuff, at least, that is what the nice lady at the cash register requested from me.  I may or may not have let an expletive loudly slip out of my mouth at the total.  Mike may kill me...fabulous.  I slide my card, pick up my head, and attempt to convince myself that we need and will use everything I just purchased.  It certainly had nothing to do with survival in a store with two small children...or an overly exhausted mommy that fasted for her bloodwork, and still hasn't had coffee.  Nope...We needed everything.  I may just start waiting until the kids are in bed to go shopping.  Just another day in mommy paradise.

anatomy lesson, part two

   So, this evening, I discovered that Colin had what appeared to be an entire sandbox in his hair.  I knew this was going to take some serious hair washing to get it out.  Colin hates having his hair washed, so this was going to take a little extra work on my part.  He voluntarily entered the shower, but he was avoiding the water stream with his head.  I had just left work, and decided that I could use a shower as well.  Just for good measure and good times, Molly joined us.  Thank goodness for huge showers.  I lathered both children from head to toe, lathered myself, and we all rinsed off.  Colin and Molly take a seat on the bath mat, and proceed to watch me get dried off.  And the lesson begins...

Colin "Mommy, do you pee pee out of your butt?"

Me "I'm sorry, what?"

Colin "You and Molly have butt pee pees, I have a different pee pee, like Daddy."

Molly "yeah, butt pee pee." giggles follow

Me "well...Mommy and Molly have inside pee pees, and you and Daddy have outside pee pees.  Girls and boys have different parts, and you and Daddy are boys, and Molly and I are girls."

Colin "oh...why?"

Me "well...because God made us that way."

Colin and Molly "oh....ok."

Colin "Mommy, girls have boobies too, right?"

Molly "yeah girls have boobies." more giggles

Me "well, yes.  Girls do have boobies as well."

Colin "why do you have boobies?"

Me "Girls have boobies so they can feed their babies when they are small.  Mommies make milk like cows, and babies drink the milk so that they can grow."

Colin "oh...like baby Shelby and baby Avery and baby Quinn.  Do they drink milk from their mommies boobies?"

Me "yes, that is exactly right. And when the babies get big like you and Molly, mommies stop making milk, and then boobies are just...there for decoration."

Colin "hmmm...ok.  Boobies are squishy."

Me "yes, yes they are."

Colin "I like chocolate milk...can boobies make chocolate milk?"

Me "nope, nope they can't bud...why don't we all get in our pjs, and have story time.  I think our anatomy lesson is done for the evening...

insomnia...hello old friend

   Sometimes I wonder if it can actually be called insomnia when there are people or animals causing your lack of sleep.  I suppose it still qualifies since I sleep so poorly, that smallest thing can wake me.  I now understand how my mother could be snoring away, hear me cough in the other room, and jump up to see if I was having an asthma attack.  Mommy ears...blessing and a curse.  I started my adult life with a night shift position, and I kind of feel like it may have screwed up my sleep forever.  I battle with exhaustion all day, and then I have trouble unwinding and falling asleep at the end of the day.  Then I take something OTC to help, and I feel hungover and exhausted again the next day.  And then there are all of these animals or tiny people that depend on Mommy.  They have nightmares, get scared, need to go potty, and wake me up for various reasons.  And of course, they also get up earlier than I ever would voluntarily.  Two nights ago, it was the perfect storm.  I had trouble falling asleep, and the cat proceeded to try and make me insane.  He sits on the bedside table, and begs for food, until I get up and open a new can.  He woke me several times, in fact, I lost count, but I opened three containers of cat food.  I was in a sleep deprived haze, but I have to admit, I began to wonder what was happening with  the food.  He couldn't possibly be eating all of it.  It didn't take too long to figure out what was actually happening.  Abby, our incredibly low maintenance dog, started waking me up as well.  It is highly unusual for her to wake me, so I assumed it was urgent.  I let her outside, and climbed back into bed for the 5th time.  Not even an hour later, Abby was crying again.  I think I actually started to cry with her.  I got up, and let her out, only to discover the poor dog has had diarrhea...all over the floor of my foyer.  Awesome.  She goes outside, and poops again. Now I feel horrible for shushing the poor dog. I can only conclude that Abby has been eating the canned cat food, and this has caused some serious tummy issues.  I glance at my watch, it is 6 am, I have a couple more hours to sleep, so I head back to bed.  Molly must have heard the chaos just outside of her room, because in toddles Molly with pink wankie.  "Mommy, I want up."  Chubby little arms reaching up over the edge of the bed always get me.  I pick her up, toss her into bed.  She is sadly wide awake.  She pats me and says "it's ok mommy, you sleep, I stay up."  If only it worked that way kid.  I roll over and turn on the baby valium, aka Nick Jr.  "ohhh, Dora."  Maybe I can just lay here with my eyes closed for a few more minutes.
   I give up after a little while, get out of bed, make coffee, and start to get ready for the day.  Molly has an appointment with the ENT.  I tap Mike and ask him if he could keep Colin while I take her in, but he has to be at the office in a few.  Oh well, we get ready, load into the car, and I hand them both chocolate milk sippy cups and Fruit Loops in ziploc bags.  Sadly I consider it a small triumph that I managed to remember breakfast at all.  Both children are incredibly well behaved at the ENT office.  In fact, they were so good, I was worried that all of my good behavior karma was gone for the day.  Colin was pleasant and patient, and Molly followed directions like a big girl.  I was amazed.  She even completed her hearing test with headphones and everything.  Somewhere in the back of my overcrowded brain, I remember that the preschool is having a picnic.  I send out a text to my friend Sandra to check the time.  We are right around the corner from her place and the preschool, so we head to her house to kill time.  I am greeted by the smell of freshly baked muffins.  This girl makes me look bad all of the time :)  She shows me her creation.  She has altered a recipe to make it twice as healthy, and it is already a zucchini muffin.  She tells me "Well I cut the sugar and salt in half, I cut back on the oil, used egg whites, and doubled the zucchini.  That is an acceptable breakfast for them, don't you think?"  Me "Of course, but you are asking a woman who just gave her kids sippy cups of chocolate milk and bags of Fruit Loops for breakfast on our way here.  I may not be the person to ask."  She laughs and shakes her head at me, and I just simply shrug my shoulders and tell her they are tasty muffins, if nothing else.

    We caravan to the preschool, and head over to have a picnic lunch with our friends.  They have music blaring, bubbles blowing, water spraying, and all you can eat popsicles.  The kids were in heaven.  They were worn out after their fun day in the sun.  We head home to "rest" since neither of mine seem to think they need a nap anymore.  We are just getting comfortable on the couch, when I hear a knock at the door.  Colin is playing by himself in his room, but Molly is happy to hop up, and greet the person at the door.  Sadly, my front door is almost completely glass, so she is waving and talking to the person on the other side.  There is no way to ignore it now.  I get up off of the couch, and discover the little boy next door.  He is only a few months older than Colin, but his grandmother sends him over...by himself...to play with my kids.  I have been stuck feeding the kid multiple times, not to mention entertaining him for hours at a time.  I am pretty sure that the favor would not be returned either.  I open the door, and tell a small fib.  I tell him that Colin is actually napping, but maybe we can play a little later.  I feel a little guilty, but honestly, I am so tired that I don't even want to watch my own children, and I love them.  I certainly don't want watch someone else's kid.  Especially since he is a kind of a little know it all...I have got to get a curtain for that front door. After a couple of hours of "rest," I went and knocked on the neighbors door, and invited him to come and play water guns with us in the front yard.  As I looked around our front porch, I realized something.  I love my mother's day gifts, but what we really needed was a pressure washer for our porch and our decks.  When did I become the woman who wants a pressure washer as a gift??  I guess times change.  I will totally enjoy my mani/pedi when I get a chance to use it, but as I stare at the dirty front porch, I wonder if the pressure washer might have been much more practical.  Now to make a pot of coffee, and possibly head up to Home Depot with the kids to shop for pressure washers.  This could prove to be an interesting adventure, but I need to get something before we have people over for Molly's birthday next weekend.
   

I love you mommy....

   This morning, Colin and Molly were sitting in my room watching TV.  I was in the kitchen, making coffee and such.  I can hear Molly saying
Molly "I love you mommy..."
Me "I love you too Molly.."
Me to Mike "How sweet is that?"
Molly "I love you mommy..."
Me "awww, I love you too Molly."
Colin "Mommy, she wants to know where you are, she isn't saying I love you..."
Me "oh...I am in the kitchen Molly."
Molly "can I have some chocwate milk?"
me "sure....(sigh) I will be right there"