Saturday, December 29, 2012

Santa brought me a tummy bug...

   Things Santa could have left in the North Pole...
1)Toys with lots of parts and pieces that I will never find again
2)The 10 lbs I have gained this year
3)The Angry Bird that is stuck to my living room ceiling
4)Oh...and the nastiest stomach bug I have had in a very long time

   Bright and early on December 26th, I awoke to discover that I was about to vomit.  Not a vomit like I have plenty of time to get to the bathroom vomit, but a vomit right where you are sitting because you had no idea it was about to happen vomit.  I puked all over my Mother in law's guest bed that the children and I were sleeping in.  When I went to sleep just a hour or so before, I had no idea this was about to happen.  I had taken TUMS for some heart burn earlier, but nothing serious.  As I sat in a puddle of my own "sick", I realized quickly where this was headed.

    You see, once I start to puke, I rarely stop easily.  So for the next 12 hrs, I was violently ill multiple times an hour...to the point of begging for my mommy.  And then the other end started.  We all have been at this point before.  Head in a bucket so that your bottom can be on the toilet.  It is never a good place to be.  I tried sipping some water, and it would come right back up.  I knew I needed some help.  I needed IV fluids and antiemetics, STAT.  After 10 years together, Mike also knew where this was headed.  We were off to the ER.  We left the kids with his mother, and headed to a nearby hospital.

   We discovered quickly that you do not want to be in the ER the day after Christmas.  That place was packed.  I laid in the fetal position on a love seat for 2.5 hours with my head in a bucket just waiting to be seen.  I understand...traumas and chest pain come first, but man is it hard to be gracious when you can't stop retching, and the waiting room TV is stuck on Divorce Court.

   Once I made it to the room, they quickly fixed me up with an IV and some Zofran. Of course, it took me a little while to convince the doc that I wasn't hungover or pregnant, despite the fever and diarrhea.  Now I am no ER doc, but I am pretty sure those are not symptoms of either pregnancy or over indulgence in alcohol. I looked at the young little resident and said,  "I have been pregnant twice in my life.  This is not pregnancy nausea.  Morning sickness is more like, Oh I think I need to vomit.  I feel really nauseous.  Then you do, and then you think an hour later, maybe I should have a cookie."  His response..."So you are sure you are not pregnant??"  I again replied "Listen, I am an L&D nurse.  I know pregnancy if nothing else.  I have an IUD in place and I have no reason to believe it isn't functioning, but feel free to test me.  We all know that nothing is 100%. Any time you hang your pants on the bed post, you can get pregnant, but I doubt that is my problem. It rarely causes fevers or diarrhea."  The resident says "Well, did you drink too much yesterday??" For the love of God...Seriously??  Mental note to check if the hospital is a teaching hospital next time.
 
     Life was getting better, but I was still pretty miserable.  In fact, it took another dose of Zofran and another 2 liters of fluid before I was convinced that I wasn't going to die...OK, I am exaggerating. I just wanted to die, I didn't think it would actually kill me.  As I lay there staring at the wall, I see the Crucifix above the door.  I roll over to Mike and say

Me "Ok, call the nurse.  I think I know what I need."
Mike (patient, but exhausted from dealing with his ill and very needy wife) "Really? What do you want me to tell him"
Me  "We need two priests and a nun..."
Mike "Heidi, you aren't Catholic.  What do you want? Last Rites??"
Me "No, I think we need an exorcism. Obviously modern medicine isn't cutting it this time, we need to purge the demon in my digestive tract."
Mike (shaking his head) "You must be feeling better..."
Me "I am serious, a little prayer couldn't hurt."

   We were discharged shortly after my revelation, and now I will never know if it would have helped.  Of course, in the end, the Zofran and IV fluids helped tons.  However, I may never be able to eat gingerbread houses and Italian food again without thinking about this stomach bug.  And I hope his mother has had someone come in and terminally clean that bathroom upstairs.  When I decided that I needed to lose weight after Christmas, this was not what I planned...


1 comment:

  1. "The demon in my digestive tract." Oh, that's priceless. Be sure to tell it to Molly. I can picture her now, sitting on the toilet seat, sick as a dog, while you coax -- "Molly, when you've gone potty, you can go pee pee on the demon's head! Come on, big girl!"

    Sorry you had a sick Christmas, but you can sure tell it funny!

    ReplyDelete